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| Golden Burger by Thomas Hannich and Arndt von Hoff |
But the Law of Supply and Demand, unlike most laws, is not made to be broken. While there is only one of my brain—and that’s as rare as “rare” can get—that’s one more than the market will bear, at least at any kind of premium.
Things are worth what people can/will pay for them. Food is no exception. Statistics about food spending invite bizarre and disturbing thoughts. For instance, world hunger is a $30 billion/year problem, while European ice cream is an $12 billion/year industry. These things have no explicit relationship, but seeing them in the same sentence may still give one pause. Rather than explore the macroeconomic social issues surrounding food spending here in this blog, I'd like to focus on the personal.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you: my typical reader is extraordinarily wealthy, and suffers from anxiety about how to spend his/her nearly limitless free time and money. This is the first of what I plan to be a sporadic series on mortgage-necessitating foods. Consider this a buyer’s guide series, helping you make a wise investment in your next burger or sundae. Before we get into specifics, keep in mind these fundamental truths:
- Food begins to depreciate as soon as it leaves the store.
- Eating gold of less than 24k could be harmful.
- Most banks will flag the purchase of a $25,000 dessert as possible evidence of credit card fraud. You should pay in cash to remain below the radar.
- Foie gras and Oscillococcinum are both French-produced duck-liver-based products. But not all French duck liver products are created equal.
- Expensive food can be divided into two categories, which I arbitrarily created just now:
Category 1: Intentionally Decadent Ingestibles Of Totally Inappropriate Cost. (Or I.D.I.O.T.I.C.s for short. Trademark pending.) These dishes are typically a hodgepodge of other, more naturally expensive foods. (“We start with truffles… and then smother them in gold!”) With a healthy dose of cost injection for labor and simply having all the necessary components in the same place, this sort of “destination fare” typically sports a price tag equaling the GDP of a small nation and a “wacky” name.
Category 2: “Naturally” expensive food. These single-element consumables are expensive due to rarity, demand, or necessity of extensive labor. This category includes truffles, saffron, and fine chocolate. I’d put 40-year old whiskey in this category, since its price is a function of factors associated with its production, despite the fact that designing a product that only matures when you’re hitting your midlife crises smacks of excess. This decadence is not exclusively contrived, though, as the product does undergo a physical evolution over time, rendering its increase in value at least somewhat proportional to its increase in cost.
You are what you eat
There’s a sucker born every minute. But that constantly increasing supply isn’t diminishing the value of Swiss chocolatier Delafée's gourmet lollipops. (Here they are.) This "suggestive confection" is a 33.00 euro heart-shaped sucker dusted with edible gold. If you are struggling to think who might benefit most from this undeniably essential gift, the product description is fortunately explicit: it’s for “the princess who has everything.” If she is an actual princess, however, keep her away from the lollipaparazzi...
If you're worried about eating gold, don't be. Edible gold leaf is a mainstay of the Intentionally Decadent Ingestibles Of Totally Inappropriate Cost scene. Since 24k gold is chemically inert, you can eat as much as you can afford. (Yes, you can finally perform your one act play about King Midas struggling to eat his dinner.) Incidentally, edible gold leaf costs $120-$160/ gram. Considering the minimal weight of the lollipop’s included shavings, this confection is not, as you might have guessed, worth its weight in gold. You’ll be glad to know that the chocolatier who makes the pops also offers a gilding service, so you could actually coat your money in gold, too, before you throw it away.
Cost: about 46 USD.
Envy from your friends about your savvy purchase: priceless. You can’t put a price on lollipopularity.
Is it worth the money? No. You’re paying a lot for labor. You’re better off taking a cheese grater to some edible gold leaf and doctoring your own Yummy Earth lollipop. (Available at your local Foods For Living!)
When the going gets truff...
What does the Mafia have in common with Chinese farmers and climate change? While a full list of similarities would be too large to print, obviously, I refer to the threat they pose to the the French black truffle trade.
Climate change—or, to be apolitical about it, “a change in climate”— has resulted in some serious truffle reduction (truction). Before WWI, French soil was producing about 2,000 tons of truffles. These days, the yield is about 30 tons.
This scarcity has driven truffle prices and demand high enough for organized crime to take an interest. Even more valuable than the truffles themselves are the dogs that sniff them out. As a result, restaraunts and truffle hunters have had to employ security measures normally reserved for diamond couriers.
If that weren’t enough, China, a hotbed of comparatively tasteless truffles, has begun exporting about 28 tons of their rubbery dopplegangers per year. The truffles are greatly lacking in smell and taste, so identifying them shouldn’t be a problem. But enterprising (and dishonest) truffle traders (more like “traitors,” am I right?) are mixing in the Chinese truffles with the French and selling them in bulk. Truffle factories must now employ painstaking scrutiny to ensure that their customers are indeed receiving France’s famous culinary export. The corruption goes deep: some French companies sell Chinese truffles, which cost about $20/pound, and market them—legally—as French truffles, since they are packaged in France. Want to feel tuber-duper about your purchase? The package should be forthcoming if it’s a legitimate product. The French black truffle will also answer to Tuber melanosporum, while its Chinese counterpart goes by Tuber indicum. The party-ruiner in me must point out that a progressive invasion of plantation soil by Chinese truffle spores may just eradicate this distinction over time. Italy has already banned the importation of Chinese truffles, and many in France are advocating the same.
Let’s just hope the French truffle industry’s international mascot, Trufflupicus, stays healthy, because we need him now more than ever.
Cost: About $1600/pound.
Cost of a truffle hog: Seriously, no one uses pigs anymore. Nice try. These days, though, the truffle hound scene is “exploding.”
If you're short on cash, but have somehow developed a taste for top tier culinary finery, I'm going to let you in on something to fortify your income: according to Google, usually a destroyer of dreams, gold-dusted truffle lollipops are not yet a thing. But they could be...
