You Called Your Company WHAT?

My first trip to a health food store  ("natural grocery retailer") was a lot like watching television from another country. At first, everything seemed, well, foreign. But I quickly began to see more similarities than differences. Every audience loves stories of love, revenge, and triumph. People the world over fight for what they believe, and live their lives in dramatic one hour increments. This is apparent in any language. Health food stores, for all their differences, are still food stores. They still refrigerate their milk. It's not like they rely on the barter system and a massive abacus to keep the books straight. The employees put their pants on one leg at a time, even if those pants are made of Fair Trade hemp.

Still, the absence of Nabisco products and their ilk during my initial nat-groc foray was almost jarring. I strode through the aisles, seeing few familiar names, and lots of very unusual ones. There was the expected variety of "healthy" and "natural" sounding names, but also some products with names like "Two Moms in the Raw." I felt like I was in the Punk section of my local record store, where bands try to impress you with their audacity before you ever hear their music.

As with anyone selling to select demographics, health and natural food manufacturers have the freedom to get a bit wild, even expressionistic, with their products. They aren't, by nature, trying to court as wide an audience as the big boys of grocery. (Unless they are.) This gives rise to some straight-up wacky names, as well as some that are surprisingly poetic. Some names express the ideology of their manufacturers. Some are clear miscalculations in branding. Some clearly began as 2 A.M. jokes and simply got carried away, all the way through the trademark process. Let's explore some of natural grocery's staples and sorest thumbs. 

Two Moms In the Raw

Two Moms... in raw granite.

This company clearly takes the cake in some sort of natural grocery mock election for extreme name choices, provided the cake it takes does not contain any processed sugar, flour, or anything heated over 118° F. That said, it's actually amazing how much information is conveyed about this company via five short words. If you had to guess, is Two Moms In the Raw the product of a Kraft think tank, or a scrappy and irreverent small business founded by two women with children? Exactly.

According to their website, Two Moms began when the founder Shari was diagnosed with MS in 2004. A raw diet was part of her response to the diagnosis. Her raw, gluten-free, kosher treats became sought-after snacks in her community, and she stepped up production. With her mother (Mom #2) pitching in (along with her husband and in-laws) since 2006, TMITR is truly a family business. Despite finding success, the company still operates out of the same kitchen. More wholesome and less scandalous than the name would imply.

Late July
If you had no context, you might guess "Late July" was a literary journal published somewhere in New England. This vaguely harvesty name does little more than suggest a time when you might consume some of their products. (Don't be confused—it's not a "freshest by" date.)

CEO Nicole Dawes's reasons for naming her company after one half of a month are still unknown as of this reporting, but I'd hazard her rationale isn't hereditary: her father was a potato chip magnate. His company? Cape Cod Potato Chips. Simple, honest, geographically specific.

Dawes is much more transparent about her company's values. Their products are organic and GMO-free. Late July even donated $25,000 to a campaign advocating GMO grocery labeling. It probably didn't sting too much. Late July was the fastest growing maker of tortilla chips in the world as of March 2014. 


Food Should Taste Good

These go on sale, but they're never free.

I think we can all agree on the premise behind this company's name, if not the name itself. This strikes me a lot like calling your humanitarian aide non-profit "People Should Be Nice." This company's name seems to be a rebuttal to a common grievance in the era of health food past: that health food didn't taste very good. This company is coming out swinging, telling you that their food does indeed taste good, and that that's a guiding sensibility for their brand. The name is nearly the polar opposite of Food Should Taste Good's parent company, General Mills. In fact, I cannot conceive of food product company name more, well, generic, than "General Mills." Maybe... "Food Source, Inc."

Regardless, FSTG has provided good-tasting food, free of gluten, trans fats, and GMOs, since 2006. Their current slogan? "Super long name. Super delicious chips."

Garden of Eatin'

What strikes me immediately on GOE's website is their claim to be the "#1 brand of tortilla chip by $." This information is from 2010, and is calculated by total market share, not growth, so the claim is not incompatible with Late July's above claims. It does, however, tell you that an organic tortilla turf war is about to get real, real quick.

As far as the company name and self-described history, it may be best to summarize with bullet points:

• The first paragraph contains the words "visionary," "metaphysics," "Pennsylvania," and "traveling product demonstrator." This is in relation to the company's founder, who I've just decided to make a biopic about. 
• The company's first product was "Bible Bread," available at your local Foods For Living. 
• The company was purchased by Hain Celestial Group, Inc., in 1998. 

I give Garden of Eatin' big points for integrating a dropped letter "g" gerund verb into a pun alluding to Genesis. I also give them big points for making really great-tasting chips. Seriously, they're really good. You'll love their Fig Leaf Fiesta chips.*

If You Care

"I already did the dishes, if you care."

I'll confess to having a soft spot for "If You Care." I love their name without irony: I think it takes guts to call your company something that sounds like something said under one's breath during a lover's quarrel. Besides, "If You Care" is a conditional construct, but we never get to learn the condition! When is the last time you read company's name and felt suspense?!

If You Care created the first unbleached coffee filters available in the US, in 1990. They quickly followed their debut with unbleached baking paper and baking cups. Why? Because chlorine and bleach belong in a pool and your hair, respectively, not in your baking cups. In 2004, they released the first commercially available 100% recycled aluminum foil.

So they care, is the point. They care about the environment, and carbon footprint considerations are central in their product design choices.

In case the riddle escaped you, here's the answer: "If You Care, You'll Buy Their Stuff." Seriously, though, their products don't shine like their shelf neighbors because they don't bleach or dye their packaging, either. They're keeping it pretty real.

Did I miss one of your favorite weird health food names? Let me know int he comments on Facebook!



*Not a real flavor.