What You May Have Missed in Food News

Another seven revolutions of the earth, another 1/52 of this year behind us. Did anything happen in the world of food? You bet. How about health? Yup. Let's get to it.

Science is funny. You can take something mundane, sprinkle some science on it, and presto—funny. Mystery Science Theater 3000 without the Science? You'd never watch that. Take the science out of a science fair, and all you've got is a fair. I don't like show hogs and I don't trust those rides. Or the people who run them. Where were we? Oh, right. Science.

Hypothesis: the less necessary the application of science, the funnier it is when applied.

For example, a new study from the American Chemical Society has determined how to make the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. This was obviously necessary, since making a successful grilled cheese sandy is very difficult and a worldwide problem(?) Anyhow, the important things to know are:

• the meltability of a cheese is a function of its pH. (pH, you may remember, refers to how acidic  or basic something is.) A cheese in the 5.3-5.5 range will melt perfectly. 
• The sharper cheeses have lower pH, and break apart when heated. While these more acidic cheeses lack meltability, they are delicious. 
• For a perfect grilled cheese, simply use a meltable cheese for your base and add a sharper cheese, to taste. 
• The most meltable cheeses are: gouda, gruyere, and manchego. Also, if you're the sort of person who likes boring food, you could try American. You should probably stop by the Foods For Living deli case and start scoping out your cheese candidates.  

Killing with KINDness

Don't you love when a health food company goes on the war path?

Gee, I'm not sure that's really a thing, you may be thinking. Well, maybe it wasn't...until now.

This saga began last April, when the FDA kindly asked granola bar manufacturer KIND to stop using the term "healthy" on their snacks. (No word on whether Budweiser can continue using the word "beer.")

You can read the letter, in which I imagine the FDA flipping the hood of KIND's bars and pointing to various smoking components and saying "that ain't a good sign," right here. The FDA's contention was that KIND bars are full of fat, and not in a good way.

KIND contends that the fat in their bars comes primarily from nuts, and nut fats are one of the good guys. Not so much, countered the FDA.

"But, like, what does 'healthy' even meeeeean?" keened KIND in a petition last Tuesday. "We can't say whether we're healthy or not if you don't, like, even define 'healthy,' FDA. Your guidelines are like 20 years old. The fats in our nuts are like salmon and avocado fats, and those are apparently fine with you guys.*"

*dramatic recreation

As of press time, the FDA had said squat in return.

Sea-Aged Beer

A Canadian diver named Jon Crouse was combing the briny depth, as is his wont, when he discovered a bottle of beer submerged beneath a few feet of muck (and about 10 feet of water). The bottle was obviously old. Upon investigation, experts are dating sometime in the early 1870s.

The beer came from Canadian Brewery Alexander Keith's—which is still in business. This may be the oldest extant beer in the world.

Stillwell, a local beer retailer, has offered to do an analysis of the beer to determine the components. If they can pin down what's in the beer, and in what proportions, it's possible someone could brew a faithful recreation of an 1870s ale, much the way Dogfish Head did with Midas Touch.

Singing the Praises of Patti's Pies

A thing that can happen in America is: you can be a YouTube star reviewing a pie created by soul superstar Patti Labelle's pie company, Patti's Pies, and gain a lot of traction. Millions of views on YouTube later, you can get a call from Patti herself, thanking you for driving sales of her pies higher than the crescendo of some Patti LaBelle song. You can charm her during this call, and get an invitation to hang out. You can have a great hangout, and have her offer you a spot as co-host on a new cooking show. If you're James Wright Chanel, an LA hairdresser, good singer, and killer pie reviewer, that can happen to you.


Gambling For Friendship

You know how this good-for-nothing generation can't seem to keep its face out of a screen for more than two seconds? What's that? You're 58, or 68, and you're the same way? Oh, well, gosh...er, I meant no offense. I didn't know you even read the blog, mom.

For me, dinner with friends has always been a tad sacred. I like that we're out, together. As my friends continue to start families and desert our friendship their time becomes more precious, a meal out can be a unique opportunity to have a real conversation, some realtime, non-digital laughs, and watch each other eat. I'm lucky (or discerning): my friends don't spend dinner time on their cell phones. But if they did besmirch our time together with Instagram, I might propose what some desperate millennials are doing: "phone stacking."

Phone stacking is simple. At the outset of a meal, you and your dinner companions stack your phones in a pile, face down. You then talk to each other like people did in the early 90s and before. If someone reaches for their phone, they pay for the entire meal. Done. It's like the Thunderdome except more brutal. The fact that this "game" is enough of a trend to make it onto the internet makes me so happy, and I hope you feel the same.

See you next time, and be well!