6 Ways Pets Affect Your Health

Historically, I have been passionate and vocal about my anti-pet stance. If you want people to like you, I recommend keeping this sort of sentiment to yourself. My thoughts about pets could be bullet-pointed pretty easily:

1. Large dogs are a lot like large guns--fine with a responsible owner, scary without. 
2. Most people would gladly exchange a profound and satisfying conversation with a fellow human to simply watch a cat, on the off chance the cat might do something cute. 
3. The world is already loud enough. It doesn't need to be blighted with the perpetual staccato madness of a dozen barking dogs on the same block.
4. Pets are surrogates for real relationships and accordingly stunt their owners' emotional growth. 
5. Pets ensure your life is lived in chapters no more than 6 hours long, after which you must rush home to nurture your all-important pet.
6. Fish are ok.
7. Pet owners are oblivious to the general effluvia of a pet-friendly environment. 
8. I wear a lot of black, and a pet owner's home leaves me looking like a Sasquatch, because pet owners usually have a cognitive disorder wherein they no longer recognize pet hair as existing.
9. People love to apologize and also stand still while their dog jumps all over you. 
10.  The way people talk to their pets is often unbearably ridiculous.  

OK, now that you hate me, know this: I was essentially raised in a petting zoo. Growing up, we owned pot-bellied pigs, pygmy goats, a python, a llama, sheep, fish, crabs, and a slew of dogs and cats. Maybe I just got burned out, but that doesn't really square with my (ten) issues with pets.

This year, I started living with a dog, for reasons beyond my control. The dog is funny. It has funny ears, it makes silly expressions, and it likes to get in my face and then stay there, acting very aloof, which is also funny. I've come to like the dog, a lot. It's looking at me right now.

The dog broke its leg in half a few weeks ago. It's grotesque. Since then, I've been taking care of the dog, carrying it, sometimes singing to it, flossing the wounds from its surgery. This gives me a sense of purpose and obligation that I don't entirely hate. The dog keeps me from brooding too much by needing me, and by being so funny. This has been an indulgent introduction, but my journey into adult pet ownership highlights what a hassle and a blessing pets can be for your health. My old concerns niggle, but my new affection soothes. Without further ado, the ultimate pet skeptic presents:

6 Ways Pets Can Affect Your Health

Reptiles and salmonella (CON):

Having a reptile is kind of like having thousands of pets in one. The main portion may be a turtle, for instance, and the bonus portion is a few million bacteria, in the form of salmonella. While chickens wait until they're dead to pass along the sickness, turtles take it up a notch and keep salmonella about their person while they're alive. Small children are advised to avoid reptiles for this reason. This could be one reason the CDC called How to Train Your Dragon "irresponsible." (That never happened.)


Dogs and Activity (PRO):

The National Institute of Health funded a study that suggests people with dogs move more, and benefit from the extra exercise. I guess I'm shooting myself in the foot with the giant hamster wheel I made for my dog. Oh well, I can still run from the free-roaming, leashless, feral hounds in my neighborhood.

Dogs and Roundworm Activity (CON):

Dog waste can transmit this nasty parasite to human beings, who develop all sorts of symptoms that I won't mention while they are in the worm's grip, including blindness. This is statistically very unlikely, even though most dogs are born with roundworm. How do you avoid the worm? Don't eat the dirt in your backyard. It's easy, unless you're five.

Dogs are Good Cardio (PRO):

In a study that seems like either wishful thinking ("Chocolate is the one food you MUST eat!") or totally insane, the American Heart Association claims that owning a dog is good cardio. It seems to be related to the aforementioned increase in walking, but the study also mentions lower cholesterol as a result of owning a dog, which is suspect.





Cat Scratch Fever (CON):

While long known as a disease of the jukebox, cat scratch fever is also an actual malady you can contract. It's caused by bacteria that's carried by about 40% of cats. When the cat scratches, you get the fever. This can mean swollen lymph nodes, a red area near the infection, and the ability to play blazing guitar solos while simultaneously being a bit of a nutcase.

The Family Anti-Allergen (PRO):

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that owning a cat or dog early in life may act as a bulwark against later allergies. I suggest strapping a cat to your child and seeing what benefits arise.

Birds are the Rats of the Sky (CON):

Birds, while often beautiful, are the foulest, most plague-ridden thing you could have in your home, unless you're a character on The Walking Dead. Do I even need to go on about avian flu and parrot fever? No. Birds are a lot like the paparazzi--they're your best friends until they make you sick and try to eat your fingers. (That analogy is a work in progress.)

Pets Can Make You Meet People (PRO and/or CON):

This one is both curse and blessing, since people can be either. But pets do force socialization, from jockeying for territory in the dog park, to "play dates," to socializing with the vet when she charges you thousands of dollars to fix your broken dog. Regardless, the same social impulses that often drive pet acquisition are plentiful during the maintenance phase as well. Besides, having a pet makes you seem warm and decent, I'm told.   

So next time you put a puppy in your hands, remember: you're taking your health in your hands. In a good way, for the most part.