What Do Egg Labels Really Mean?

Last month, Taco Bell joined a slew of fast food and Big Agra companies who have pledged to begin using "cage free" eggs. These companies have pledged to utilize entirely cage free eggs by specific, self-imposed dates with sci-fi names like 2020 and 2025. Taco Bell, a subsidiary of the Yum Brands megacorp, was a late passenger on the bandwagon, but they may be the first to hop off with an armload of "happy" chickens: Taco Bell will be cage free by the end of 2016. The faux-Mexican food giant will presumably be on the other side of the cage free border when Burger King, McDonald's, and food suppliers Michael's Foods and Sodexo SA arrive in the next few years.

Why is this happening? At great cost and and inconvenience, assuredly soulless corporate colossi are going to install a less-efficient food system. The quick answer: they're doing it because the demand for cruelty-free and humanely-raised food is no longer restricted to people from Portland and Ann Arbor. Documentaries and books about the horror of football chickens are widely available, and things the Foods For Living crowd has known for years have become common knowledge. Now that we'll be seeing these terms bandied about constantly, let's examine what they actually mean, lest "cage free" become the new "natural."

Let's use the magic of prose to transform what "cage free" sounds like into what it is.

"Cage free" conjures a scene where chickens are strolling around the interior of an old red barn. They are pecking at seeds. The smell of a fresh apple pie wafts into the barn from the nearby farmhouse kitchen. Dusty shafts of golden light preside over the whole affair, as dozens of chickens go about their business, moving their chicken heads like they're hearing Parliament for the first time.

The light changes. The golden shafts of Midwestern sun become pale and dry as they are replaced with industrial fluorescent light. Our dozens of chickens flap their wings and hop to and fro at the surprise of a few thousand new neighbors springing to life all around them. The waft of apple pie is replaced by the odoriferous reality of a few thousand chickens in close quarters. Each flap of a wing is a collision with a neighbor, who flaps accordingly, ad infinitum. Before long, chickens are getting testy. This is a prison yard where every inmate has a shank attached to its face. The scene is going from Norman Rockwell to Mad Max, fast.

Now this isn't to say that cage free chickens aren't happier and healthier. It is impossible to imagine that being able to move a foot or so in any direction is actually inferior to the total  confinement which has been the norm. But how much healthier is cage free living?

Janice Swanson, an MSU animal scientist, is trying to answer that question.

According to her study, cage free chickens are more than twice as likely to die. The cause of death is usually chicken-on-chicken violence. That said, life outside the cage creates stronger bones and feathers, and presumably a better quality of life. Until you're stabbed to death.

What about Farm Fresh? What the heck does that mean?

Farm Fresh is a great label, marketing-wise. It means that, at some point, the eggs in question were created on a farm—mind you, a farm is any facility where you might create said eggs. Cool, huh? The "fresh" part means that the eggs weren't allowed to sit around for weeks after they were made, AKA they're "any eggs you'd ever buy." So Farm Fresh refers to eggs that...are...you know, eggs that are not spoiled, and created for profit...OK, it doesn't mean anything.



Do I dare even ask about "All Natural"?

Be my guest. The All Natural label means as much as it ever has. 95% of chickens are raised in battery cages--which remind me of the setup favored by those malevolent AIs in The Matrix. This setup is as All Natural as a farm with 8 chickens on it, legally speaking.

Hormone-free

You can't legally give chickens hormones in the U.S.A., so this is true, if a bit misleading. I'd like to see the label amended to include other undesirable practices that weren't part of the eggs' production. Now, child-labor-free eggs!

Free Range

This means that the chickens are given a 401k with matching contributions by the farmer, up to 5%, two weeks paid vacation, and maternity leave. The only condition is that the maternity leave never ends, and must be taken inside the barn, with access to the outdoors.

Yes, free range chickens must be able to go outside if the "free range" label is used. Moreover, there is no government oversight of free range egg farming, so this doesn't necessarily mean anything in practice.

It's also important to note that the ammonia-clearing industrial fans in the aviaries (chicken barns) create ultra-strong winds in the doorways between the interior and exterior, which the chickens generally avoid.

Fed a vegetarian diet

You may know a lot of vegetarians, but none of them is a chicken. Chickens eat worms and bugs from the soil when they're allowed. Through science, we can ensure they have a vegetarian diet, but this is not All Natural. This does mean, however, that they aren't eating other chicken parts, so there's that.

Pasture-raised 

This may be the only term that approaches what you think it means. Pasture-raised chickens indeed live their lives in pastures, with the refuge of the barn nearby. Theses pastures can be crowded, but they are not necessarily so. These environments allow chickens to just be them, in a way that is certainly the most humane.

So there you have it: the moral arc of the universe, vis-a-vis industrial egg production.

Until next time, read your labels carefully, and be well!