5 Health Hazards That Are Right Under Your Nose

From my days on the force.

My headaches became more seldom after I stopped looking like a Chicago cop. Let me explain.
The mustache, a fine tradition in face grooming, is something I often sport. My mustache decision falls somewhere on a continuum with aesthetics on one end and apathy on the other. While its damage to my reputation or cuddliness are worth mentioning, I had never considered it a "health hazard." It was with the glee accompanying a real epiphany that I connected the following:

1) An unkempt mustache could, at its most wild, tickle the nose.
2) A tickled nose can trigger the body's natural response to nasal invaders, resulting in all sorts of sinus acrobatics, including headaches.
3) Most crucially, the mustache can be a repository of pollen and dust. As a seasonal allergy sufferer, the answer to reducing my sinus headaches was...here it comes... RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE.

This got me thinking-- what other health hazards, great and small, are lurking about the average domicile?  Or even on the average person? Or even in the average person's brain?

Brain Parasites that Make You Crazy

Toxoplasmosis—the sickness caused by a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii—is the reason why the old, infirm, and/or pregnant are sometimes counseled to avoid cat litter boxes. (Don't be fooled by Toxo gondii's name—it's anything but nonviolent.) Toxo is a protozoan that is little threat to those with a healthy immune system, with the small caveat that it remains in your brain even after it's defeated.

A Czech scientist named Jaroslav Flegr is one of the world's foremost authorities on toxoplasmosis. He contends, among other things, that the dormant parasite can actually change your brain's makeup in subtle ways, even affecting your personality. Read this article and join the list of prominent scientists who say he sounds crazy right before they say, "That actually sounds plausible." And change your cat litter. Often.

Licorice is Quicker...at Giving You a Cardiac Event

Heart attack pills?

Many people know this, but it bears repeating: those with heart issues would be well advised to avoid excessive licorice. To quote the University of Maryland Medical Center's website, "Licorice with glycyrrhizin may cause serious side effects. Too much glycyrrhizin causes a condition called pseudoaldosteronism, which can cause a person to become overly sensitive to a hormone in the adrenal cortex. This condition can lead to headaches, fatigue, high blood pressure, and even heart attacks. It may also cause water retention, which can lead to leg swelling and other problems."

"But!" you shriek, "I like licorice for its medicinal benefits, like easing peptic ulcers!" That's OK. Medicinal licorice drops, such as those found at Foods For Living, are deglycyrrhizinated. (That's why they're called "DGL.")

Sorbitol
Much like my mustache, sorbitol is mostly harmless. But (unlike my mustache), it can cause diarrhea and other GI distress in some people. Sorbitol is a sugar alcohol and common sweetener, popular in scores of products from chewing gum to cough syrup. It is not a synthetic product per se, as it's found in pears, apples, and some berries, though the version usually present in products is synthesized. Don't be alarmist—the chance of sorbitol intolerance is low. But if you are having digestive distress and can't determine the culprit, ask your doctor about sorbitol.

Rolling Out the Red Carpet... for Nastiness

This should not be how your carpet looks.

When it comes to secret repositories of nast, carpet is a culprit. As the International Association of House Inspectors will tell you, carpet mold is a problem. It can trigger allergic reactions, or even become toxic. Anti-mold-colonial advice includes the use of antimicrobial carpet padding and keeping carpet dry, especially after cleaning.

Pollen, my hated enemy, is as adept at hiding under my feet as it is under my nose. Pollen (and pet dander) in a carpet can exude a subtle miasma into the life of an allergic person until she's crying for mercy. Here are some quick tips on cleaning pollen out of carpet.

Between the Sheets

A potential crippling in the making.

There's nothing quite like the tidiness of a properly made bed. But quarter-bouncing bed tightness comes with a price—and it's a lot more than 25 cents. Too-tight sheets can constrict your feet and ankles, causing anything from mild discomfort to tendonitis. Impress your drill sergeant, but untuck the foot of your bed before sleeping.

Frankly, I had intended to include "germ hotspots" in this post, but the list of little-known germ danger zones from the kitchen alone would bloat this blog beyond acceptability. It looks like you'll be living in danger until text time.
 
     

Amazing Tricks With Shells, Peels, and Rinds

Using the whole animal was all the rage in American cooking (quite) awhile ago. But using the whole vegetable/fruit? That’s 21st century.

I’m not sure if Zack de la Rocha was referring to walnut shells when he entreated us to “rally ‘round the family... with a pocket full of shells” (on Rage Against the Machine's headbanging 1996 hit, "Bulls On Parade"). Regardless, that’s pretty sound advice. A pocket full of shells in the right hands is like a Swiss army knife, without all the danger.

Shells, rinds, husks, cocoons (maybe not), and other biopackaging can be a lot more than just compost. (Although it will eventually be compost.) Here are some suggestions for getting the most out of your pre-compost (Commost).

• Hollow out an avocado. I suggest doing this by consuming the consumable part. Just don't mash the outside. Soon, you'll have a super cute seedling planter that looks like an alien pod. When your seedling is ready, transplant it, and compost the shell. Your garden's benefit will be twofold. 
• Next time you go to vandalize your neighbor's house as part of a larger plot, set aside a couple of eggs. After you empty the yolks for your slingshot (or omelet), save the shells. Break up the shells and sprinkle them in your garden to prevent the passage of slugs. There's nothing a slug hates more than a jagged eggshell slicing into its slugflesh. 
• I like to give traveling French merchants my money as much as the next guy. But citrus rinds, dried and dusted with essential oils, can make a great potpourri alternative if you're short on cash.  
• Cucumbers, which are the MacGyver of vegetables, can discourage garden pests. Some cucumber slices in a tin—yes, a tin—will cause a phytochemical reaction which insects find unpleasant. Use in concert with eggshells to make your garden an impenetrable fortress.
• Speaking of traps, don't toss that banana peel from your car just yet. (Unless you're in a go kart race.) Running a banana peel over a clean shoe can revive that factory shine. Doing the opposite will result in a whimsical loss of balance.
• Shiny shoes making your house plants look dull? That banana peel will restore the factory shine of your favorite waxy green house plants as well. Rub the peel over the leaves. I know it sounds crazy. But seriously, just wait until you can see your reflection in a fern—it's magical.
• Speaking of magic, how about using onions to transform eggs into treasures? Boiling onions with eggs will dye the eggs a unique, golden, oniony color. This is good for creating a monochrome, weirdly anticlimactic Easter egg hunt. 
• If you're a dying-things-with-food enthusiast who is also getting on in years, or just really stressed out, you should hang on to your potato skins. Boil some potato skins, then lose the skins and rinse with the potato water if you'd like to darken your grey hair. Also great if you're in witness protection and shouldn't leave the house for proper dye.
• Use peach skins (the pulpy side) to scrub your face, along with a mild abrasive, like sugar. How you get it off is up to you. Peach skins are rich in potassium and Vitamin A, which are great for your skin.  
• As long as you're housebound and altering your appearance to escape your old life, why not make yourself some jewelry out of nutshells? Brazil nuts are especially good for making durable, adorable adornments. A drill, string, and a handful of nuts are all you need.
• You'll probably want to tie that cool bead necklace made of nuts together with a locket or some other such bauble. Reach for a citrus fruit rind and run the inside over any nonferrous metal to give the metal a new luster. 
• A walnut, carefully bisected and re-glued after, can be a great gift box. For something very small. 
• After you're done polishing your nonferrous metals with those lemon peels, why not throw them into your humidifier or garbage disposal? Either will add a pleasant freshness to your environs.
• You can also pickle your peels and rinds with any number of recipes to make great bite-sized snacks. 
• Even melon rinds and squash shells need not be wasted—scrape out the inside and dry to use as an adorable fruit salad or squash soup bowl. 
• If you're less of a soup person and more of a vodka person, you can always infuse your favorite spirits with citrus peels. Dropping in some orange or lemon peels will add a pleasant note to the nail polish taste. 
• Dropping citrus peels into old olive oil can revitalize it, as well.
• If you're into smoking meat, try putting corn cobs in the smoker. It adds a great savory flavor.
• Throwing some peanut shells into charcoal, or replacing the charcoal with peanut shells altogether, can add some variety to your grilling. 

All that, and I didn't once say "in a nutshell."

Last, but certainly not least: no list of alternative rind solutions and shell projects would be complete without some Amish instructions on how to make birdhouses out of gourds.

World's Most Controversial Food

So hungry you could eat a horse? You may be out of luck in the states, but your craving for equine cuisine would not be out of place in parts of Europe, Asia, Africa, or South America. Horses are plentiful, sustainable, and available in every state in the Union. And, for most people, eating them is unthinkable.

Horse

Concerns: cruelty, pet-category animal, health 

Thinking about horse meat may be somewhere between unpleasant and flat-out disgusting for you (as, frankly, it is for me). But horse meat has been in the news (and some beef) as of late. In February, a scandal involving the presence of horse meat in processed beef came to light. This came on the heels of federal legislation legalizing horse slaughter and meat for animal consumption in the states. (If all this seems like not-so-subtle propaganda for sticking to local, free-range meat, I'll concede it crossed my mind.)

Horses are a high profile addition to a growing history of controversial foods. If something is precious, rare, or taboo, the chance is that someone, somewhere, wants to eat it. (See edible gold for further proof.)

Foie Gras

Concerns: cruelty

Not known for their compassion, the ancient Egyptians weren't just slavery enthusiasts and adept architects—they knew how to force-feed a bird. They were the first on record to force-feed animals for sheerly culinary concerns. Since then, France has taken up the mantle of championing  the controversial practice of gavage, or tube-feeding.
Foie Gras ("fatty liver") is the fatty, buttery liver of a duck or goose who has been tube fed. The "delicate flavor and consistency" is a sought-after part of the French gastronomic tradition. That said, there is considerable controversy surrounding the production of foie gras.

Animal rights groups are uniformly against foie gras production. Less inevitably, many others have been vocally anti-foie gras, including then-NYS Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, and celebrity chefs Wolfgang Puck and Albert Roux.

Foie Gras production and product are illegal in California. Chicago passed a similar ban in 2006, during which year 46,000 pounds of the stuff was sold. The city overturned the ban in 2008.

Foie Gras is illegal in Israel, and Argentina. It is illegal to produce, but not to consume, in most European countries, with the exceptions of Belgium, Bulgaria, Spain, France and Hungary.

Shark Fin

Concerns: cruelty, sustainability

Shark fin soup is a classic Chinese delicacy, with cultural connotations of wealth and success. Critics object to the use of shark fins in cooking due to both declining shark populations and the cruelty of obtaining the fins. (The fin is often removed and the shark released, finless, back into the ocean.)   

The fin is nearly tasteless; it is added to soup for its textural virtues. Much like snake oil, shark fins have a litany of fantastical medical benefits associated with them. None of these has been validated by science. Shark fin consumption is on the decline, but China still consumes literal boatloads every year. Suitable shark fin substitutes are gaining ground in many restaurants that still wish to offer the traditional dish. Regardless of how you feel about the practice of finning, try imagining "Jaws" without that iconic slice of terror protruding from the waves.
  
Dolphin meat

Concerns: cruelty, health, sustainability, intelligence

Dolphin can hardly be considered a controversial food any longer, as eating dolphins is decidedly not in vogue in the West these days. But a traditional dolphin-slaughtering event in Japan has brought the issue back into global visibility. As dolphin populations decline, and concerns about their intelligence mount (some studies equate dolphin intellect to that of a three-year old child), "tradition" seems to be the last line of defense for dolphin slaughter.

Ortolan

Concerns: sustainability, cruelty

"Ortolan." That's a moutful—literally! (Sorry.) The Ortolan Bunting is a small songbird, plentiful in France, that is traditionally consumed in a single bite. Another entry in fine French tradition of avian force-feeding, the Ortolan is usually kept in a dark box filled with millet, where it eats continuously in an attempt to escape.

The capture or killing of Ortolans has been illegal in any European Union state since 1999, with an unknown degree of enforcement.

Polar Bears

Concerns: sustainability, intelligence

As with many other foods on the list, polar bear hunting was a sustainable, natural practice of many peoples indigenous to the earth's coldest climes for thousands of years. Technology, poaching, and trophy hunting have taken their toll. Polar bears are in serious danger, and their habitats continue to melt beneath their paws. That said, you won't see polar bears on any menus, which makes them unique on this list.

 

Grilling Grass-fed Beef, Then, Now, and How

When it comes to grilling techniques, it's hard to beat a small white room, a bright light, and "good cop/bad cop." But it's not always practical. And it doesn't work very well for grass-fed beef.

Cooking grass-fed and free range animals was once the norm, and it's making a huge comeback. In fact, one cold represent humanity's tendency toward using grass-fed and free range meat as an inverse bell curve, beginning some 76,000 years ago, plummeting through the industrial farming craze of the twentieth century, and rising again with the advent of the health and cruelty-free movements of the last few years.

In fact, our "preference" for home-cooked, free range meat may go back much further than the commonly-understood ballpark of 76,000ish years ago. Observations about gut, brain, and face evolution in human ancestors lead Richard Wrangham, a Harvard evolutionary biologist, to assert that "we" may have been cooking as far back as 1.8 million years ago. In his book, Catching Fire: How Cooking Made Us Human, Wrangham explains how the evolutionary advances evidenced by the period's fossil record imply a leap in the energy we were deriving from our meals. He asserts that this is the kind of leap that only comes with the increased caloric yield that derived from cooking one's food. Cooking food also kills bacteria and neutralizes natural toxins, increasing the survivability of anyone eating it. This, of course, allows one to store meat in one's cave (a bit more) safely for (a bit) longer.

Wrangham has decades of chimpanzee observation under his belt. In that time, he observed that chimps' communal eating habits less resemble a family reunion than a prison cafeteria. For chimps, eating in groups can be a violent, tense affair, sharing little with humanity's tradition of passing cooked meat amongst our companions. While many associate food-sharing with the differentiation of labor that is the backbone of society, Wrangham asserts that it is cooking, specifically, that made it happen.

If you participate in the tradition of Memorial Day grilling this weekend, take a moment to expand your definition of "tradition" by a few hundred thousand years. What better time to honor both our veterans and those anonymous foragers who, according to Wrangham, may have had a hand in forming homo sapiens by having humanity's first BBQ?

If you aim to show solidarity with your prehistoric brothers and sisters by slapping meat over a semi-open flame this weekend, know that grilling "authentic" (grass-fed) meat comes with a few caveats. Here are some grilling tips for grass-fed beef and in general:

Grass-fed beef is made for medium to rare cooking. 
The lower fat content of the good stuff makes it more vulnerable to overcooking. If you're a well-done only beef eater, no problem—cook your beef at a low temperature and include a sauce to keep some necessary moisture in play.

Oil Slick
A coating of truffle oil can ensure your grass-fed beef, which is susceptible to dryness, stays nice and moist. You can use olive or other oils as well, but the truffle oil adds a unique note your guests are sure to appreciate.

Marinate on That
Marinating can make or break your steak. (Iambic pentameter grilling tips is a market I should corner.) An overbearing marinade does no one any favors, though. Grass-fed beef's delicate flavor is best served by a gentle, or subtle marinade. If you like to pour bourbon or beer onto your steak (or just spill some by accident), use less than you would normally. Since grass-fed beef will cook more quickly, you'll have less time to let the booze burn off.

Stove Tip 
I'm not a grill elitist. A stove top is a perfectly respectable way to grill a steak. As you wind down the cook, try adding some butter and garlic to the meat for a classic taste that coexists nicely with the natural flavor of the meat.

(Don't) Fork It Over
Use tongs or telekinesis to flip your beef. Piercing the beef during the cook is a silly risk. Valuable juice loss and depressurization(?) could occur.

Just Chill
Let your steak meditate on what it learned for just shy of ten minutes after you're done grilling. Just leave it alone for a minute, all right?! The juices will redistribute, ensuring more uniform flavor.

Bargain Basement Cooking Times
30% off! (Cooking times.) Grass-fed beef generally requires about 30% less cooking time. It also continues cooking after being removed from the heat source, like any hot meat. 

Settle In-or Don't!
Let your grass-fed beef come to room temperature—or don't! Don't throw it from the refrigerator into the fire—or do! The traditional wisdom on this has come into question recently. A greater scientific understanding of food-borne illness and bacteria reproduction rates (like doubling colony sizes in 20 minutes at room temperature) means that it might be worth skipping the room temperature phase. Still, many chefs simply can't abide it.

Hold the vegetables—then drop them on the meat!
Remember: grass-fed beef's main distinguishing characteristic (from a culinary standpoint) is its leanness. Adding moisture or fat is a necessary step. Caramelized onions, peppers, and olives are the synchronized swimming of grilling—they can add pizazz and moisture all at once.

So, Happy Memorial Day Weekend, and remember—grass-fed beef is lean, there's nothing more "paleo" that grilling, and honoring our brave fallen can extend back thousands of years!


  

Posture Life Hacks: Confidence, Hormones, and Standing Up Straight

"I'm a loser with poor posture."

If someone says this to you, you may be tempted to pat them on the back and give them some encouragement. But the scientific, psychological, and acting communities suggest something else may be more effective: after you pat this loser's back, plant your palm between his shoulder blades, pull his head up and back, and square his shoulders. (He may think you're trying to kill him, but this will pass. Unless you are.) Though his level of achievement is unlikely to change over the next few minutes, a shift in his perspective is almost inevitable.

To invoke a parable: encouraging someone who is in a slump (figuratively and literally) is giving them a fish. Improving their posture is teaching them to fish. Would you rather be a fish-lender or fishing teacher?

The Chinese army takes posture seriously.

Practicing good posture habits is an age old concern, but traditional wisdom on posture emphasized physical well-being and social presence. Nowadays, the "life hacking," corporate, and health communities are realizing what actors and psychologists have been saying for years: posture affects your own mood and sense of self to a great degree.

If you didn't know, the concept of "life hacks" is something of a craze right now. The "hack" part of the term derives from the world of computers, where "hacking" a system gives you special access to information, and allows you to manipulate a system without regard to traditional parameters (such as "laws," or "ethics.") "Life hacking" is an umbrella term for studying tangible tweaks to behavior, nutrition, sleep, laundry techniques, building credit, and many other facets of modern life.

Health-related life hacks are abundant, and accordingly vary in quality. But I've noticed a common thread amongst the standing wisdom on health-related life hacks: many "best of" or "Top Ten" health tips are placing posture near the top. What's interesting is not the how, but the why: life hackers are using posture to "reprogram" their minds and tweak their personalities.

There are literally hundreds of articles on the virtues of cultivating correct posture and what it projects to others. But this TED talk is easily the most compelling lecture I've seen on the subject of posture's effect on the self:

If you don't have time to watch/are at work stealthily reading this blog, I'll summarize Dr. Cuddy's research and advice: adopting "power positions" before social events in which you must "perform," such as job interviews, will make you come across as bolder and more charismatic. When you stand with your arms outstretched, as one might in victory or celebration, your body produces testosterone, decreases cortisol, and generally tells itself that you're awesome. I don't recommend doing a victory dance in the waiting room before your interview, as that may seem premature. Although, if someone asks what you're doing and you tell them, they may just be surprised by your knowledge of social psychology and interview acumen, which could be its own reward.

It's great that our culture is widely exploring the relationship between posture, emotion, and social impact, but this understanding significantly predates the era of the TED talk. In fact, using posture to manipulate mood, and thus further affect a person's emotional expression, is a fundamental aspect of contemporary acting technique. 

Konstantin Stanislavski (1863-1938)  is almost universally considered the father of modern acting. Almost every influential acting teacher and actor of the mid-twentieth century (and their protégés) credit Stanislavski's system with forming the bulk of their acting sensibility. The core of Stanislavski's system was "the method of physical action." This principle essentially codifies a reverse of the normal order of human emotional response: it uses a physical action (such as wiping one's face, lowering one's eyes, or slouching) to connect with the emotional core of the psyche that produces those physical expressions. Everyone from Lawrence Olivier to Marlon Brando to Edward Norton to Robert DeNiro has embraced and used Stanislavski's method. To the world of serious acting, this ability of posture to dictate emotion is self-evident and essential.

I'm not saying mindful posture will make you rich and famous—but it can't hurt. Professionally emotional people have been doing it since the early twentieth century.

If you'd like to benefit from better posture but struggle with old habits, here are some quick tips:

Become an X-man

Having a companion (or stranger) put a huge "X" of tape across your back is not a permanent, daily solution to posture. But after retraining your mind and body, you can tear the training wheels off in one quick motion, with the added benefit of reducing your back-shaving time for a few days afterward.

Get a Posture Buddy
Much like a Workout Buddy or Diet Buddy, getting a Posture Buddy harnesses the powers of conformity and fear of judgement. Ideally, your Posture Buddy should be someone with whom you live or work. Whenever you notice one another slouching, simply offer a gentle reminder. Incentivizing the deal can make things more fun—cookies, money, massages, or any other currency can be traded for posture infractions. Once you make your home or office a joyless posture police state full of ticketable offenses, you'll be standing taller in no time. You can also have your Posture Buddy dress like your grandparents for that classic "Stand up straight!" feel.

Get Your Back Against the Wall
It's like standing in a police lineup, without the choice company on either side. Walls are a great, ubiquitous posture-improver. Just stay clear of the corners, or people will think you've been bad. Especially if you're wearing that cone cap you love so much.

Stay Level-headed
Carrying things on your head is popular in many places where people must port things long distances. This practice almost demands correct posture. Beware of carrying too great a load—skip the water buckets unless you have no choice. You don't want to compress your spine. And that huge foam cowboy hat doesn't count. 



I suppose, in retrospect, House of Pain had it all figured out: Get up, stand up, come on, put your hands up.

Extreme Mother's Day Gift Ideas

It's almost that time again—that auspicious spring day when we stop making jokes about other people's moms and honor our own. Since Anna Jarvis immortalized the celebration of mothers in 1908, the second Sunday in May has been a day of reflection and commemoration of those who labored to bring us into the world.

Jarvis herself reportedly became disappointed with the consumerist direction of her new holiday a few years after its inception. It's easy to be cynical about anything that enjoys its greatest visibility from holiday industry ads. ("Buy your mother the love she deserves this May 11th! Get the $400 Deluxe Package if you even care about her at all!") But Mother's Day generally gets a pass even among the cynical, since the act of giving something to your mother asks little and yields much.

As a cultural observer, I thought it prudent to provide a list of historical mothers, in order of objective quality.

BEST MOMS EVER
1. My mom.
2. Your mom.
3. Everyone else's mom.

Just kidding. But my mom is my one guaranteed reader, so it's in my interest to cater to my most consistently loyal demographic. There you go, mom—easiest Mother's Day gift ever.

...so are all the mothers gone? OK, cool, we can speak freely. We've got a few short days to go, and we've got stuff to buy! Here are some gift ideas for mom.

Probiotic Chocolate

So beautiful. Who needs flowers?

Your mom probably loves chocolate. Simply Googling "Women love chocolate" will call forth surveys, testimonials, and diatribes about the superiority of chocolate to nearly everything else—specifically men.

But your mom ALSO loves having great digestion. This is something she's likely less vocal and/or openly passionate about. Sensing this means that you're an attentive, thoughtful child. If your mom is older than you, and the odds are good that she is, digestive problems may be a source of increasing frustration. Probiotics—beneficial gut bacteria that assist with digestion—often help. Most people know that yogurt contains "healthy bacteria," but an increasing array of foods are being fortified with probiotic content. Chocolate is one of the latest. Why not please your mom's sweet tooth and GI tract at the same time?

In fact, now that we're on the subject, why not just give her some great chocolate and a potent, standalone probiotic? A dedicated probiotic supplement will be many times more powerful than any infused product, and just as natural. Forget the gag gift and get a superior version of both components. Any Foods For Living staffer would be happy to walk you through finding a perfect probiotic and/or chocolate for the moms in your life.

An Implausible Pastry

Many will be cooking for their mothers this Sunday. Most of them will be preparing fare that their own mothers could, indeed, prepare much better. Rather than insult your own mother on her special day by presenting her with your second-tier version of her culinary classics, why not side-step the issue and surprise her with something unique?

The last year has seen the advent of the avant-garde pastry. The names suggest that bakers stay up too late posing each other hypothetical questions more often than we suspect: Cronuts, s'morecicles, cragles, chocoflan, duffin, cakclaire. You get the idea.

If you're any sort of baker, or even word-combiner, take two favorite pastries, have a shotgun wedding, and head to Foods For Living for some baking supplies. When your mom sees some Bonuts emerge from the oven (or plastic container), she's sure to be as delighted by the novelty as she is moved by the gesture. Here are some ideas and recipes.

KIVA

I should feel weird about plugging a specific organization in a blog about food, culture, and safety. It says a lot about Kiva's mission and integrity that I feel not weird, but proud to include it. It is, in fact, part of my own Mother's Day gift.

As you know, many a mother across the globe will spend May 11 tilling a tiny plot of land to feed her family, or shutting down her fruit stand to run to a latrine a quarter mile away. I can't think of a more appropriate gift for the generous mothers among us than the gift of generosity itself. Let me explain.

The concept behind Kiva is simple: using Kiva's website, you select an individual to whom you will lend $25. This person usually lives in the third world, and is trying to secure a loan for his/her business or family. The goal of the loan is usually a modest one, such as building a toilet for the home, or buying food for a workhorse. In time, this person pays you back. Now you have your $25 again, and you can withdraw it or lend it again. There is no catch, no downside, and no reason not to just do it. But this isn't a Kiva ad—it's a suggestion for a Mother's Day gift.

Here is a video explaining the process in the most basic terms.

Kiva is not just a "feel good" organization. Kiva is one of the highest-rated charities in the world, and enjoys a reputation for no-nonsense business practices and transparency.

My mom loves that she can help people over and over again with the same initial investment. This process is a perfect reflection of my mother's generosity and love of sharing. It's giving the gift of giving, which is itself a gift... pardon me while I have a hall-of-mirrors freakout.

PTFit

Your mom's back is sore. I mean, probably. I don't mean to assume, but whose back isn't sore? It would be awesome to get your mom a back-massaging android servant for Mother's Day.

I think PTFit is the manufacturer of the droids you're looking for. The company produces the ideal robot companion—one made of wood, that runs on human power, whose only function is to provide massages. These high-tech companions may look like glorified shepherds' crooks, but make no mistake, they're great. A few moments of pulling the rollers over a sore back will make anyone a convert. The massage hooks are, of course, available at Foods For Living, where some staffers affectionately refer to the product as "the boyfriend."

Please, don't tell people you're picking up your mom a new boyfriend from FFL for Mother's Day. 

Enjoy your Mother's Day!

When the Famous Love You For Free

What was Charles Manson's favorite cheesy snack cracker? Which mineral water did Saddam Hussein prefer after a long hot day of dictating? We may never know. If either man were to express such a preference, however, some poor marketing director would have gotten a harrowing 4 a.m. phone call about "coordinating a response." 

Celebrity endorsements are almost as old as capitalism. ("If our bread is good enough for Caesar, it's good enough for you!") Most people claim to be unswayed by such contrivances, but data keeps showing us otherwise, so celebrity spokespeople are here to stay. But it's a different game entirely when the famous go off the reservation and express an opinion outside the confines of money-for-representation. 

Ironically, all celebrity endorsements exist under the premise that the celebrity involved enjoys, supports, or uses the product they advertise. I think literally everyone understands this is not necessarily the case. Does Sam Jackson really have a credit card preference? Did that Mikey kid even like Life cereal? Does that gecko even have a car!? We are inescapably aware of the manipulation involved, but the idea that certain celebrities are loyal brand ambassadors is a lie we've agreed upon. The ironic part is that when a celebrity actually endorses a product, genuinely doing what most commercials are in fact pretending to do, the concerned company usually ends up with a "situation on its hands." 

Here are some highlights:

Letting down her Garden...

When The Girls Next Door, a reality show starring Hugh Hefner’s granddaughters girlfriends, ended after just five short years (too soon), star Kendra Wilkinson went on to pursue other things. Like other reality shows based on the premise that the star indeed modeled for Playboy. Kendra may be an innovator and an inspiration, but she’s still human, which means she still loves butter-intensive Italian chain restaurants. Kendra’s open (unsolicited) endorsement of The Olive Garden tossed a hot PR potato into the company’s hands.

In 2008, Wilkinson claimed that Olive Garden was better than any restaurant in Italy. (It is unclear how she found time to visit every restaurant in Italy, given the demands of her career.)

Olive Garden, known for tossing around the word “family” like so many garden salads, was less than thrilled with the reality star’s endorsement. Wilkinson went on to offer a “modeling opportunity” to Olive Garden waitresses nationwide. That presumably smoothed things over.

Why did the chicken cross the sea?

While explaining anything immortalized in an Eminem lyric is probably unnecessary, this classic deserves recognition for the deft way in which seafood company Chicken of the Sea handled it.

When Jessica Simpson, then starring on “Newlyweds,” mused aloud about whether Chicken of the Sea was indeed chicken, or perhaps some other animal, perhaps one originating from the sea, the public couldn’t stop laughing. Chicken of the Sea, a subsidiary of a Thai conglomerate called Thai Union Group, invited Simpson down to HQ to sort things out firsthand. Ever the good sport, Simpson accepted, and pledged herself to a lifetime of tuna consumption.

As the public laughed and Marshal Mathers slaved over a hot rhyme book to concoct a relevant line, no one seemed much bothered by the fact that Chicken of the Sea is an idiotic and nonsensical brand name. The titular chicken totally comes from the ocean, not the sea.  

Woo Hah! I got your cognac check...

When you think of artisanal French brandy, you probably think of gold teeth, swingin' braids, and hip-hop swagger. No? Neither did French cognac manufacturer Courvoisier, probably—until rap artist Busta Rhymes touted his love for the product in his song, "Pass the Courvoisier." (He's very polite—he didn't just want to reach over you and grab the Courvoisier. Alas, "Excuse My Reach" just didn't have the Busta Rhymes flava.) 

It's no secret that successful rappers are passionate about conveying their success through song. People apparently love this about them. This, in turn, allows them to buy more gold-plated tanks, then talk about that, and everyone is happy. The only snag occurs when rappers—who are often known for somewhat freewheeling behavior—embrace products typically targeted toward the "let's-adjourn-to-the-den-and-enjoy-some-Havanas" set. Having gangsta rappers chugging your yacht-mini-fridge-ready cognac can tarnish the sterling legacy of the brand, it is said. Unless it leads to a huge increase in sales, at which point you stop caring so much. 

After "Pass the Courvoisier," the discerning manufacturer decided that "the cognac of Napoleon" could also be the cognac of Busta Rhymes. No official deal was on the books, but the company threw some lavish parties after a few of Busta's shows. One is hopefully tickled to imagine the French emissaries of the brand standing stoically at said parties' periphery with forced smiles.

Leggo my Faygo...

Detroit has seen better days, but it still has a lot of which to be proud. Motown, techno, the White Stripes, those cars, Faygo, and the Insane Clown Posse.

If one were to pair every item on that list with every other item, no more counterintuitive combination would emerge than Faygo and Insane Clown Posse. What do mentally unstable clowns who rap about murder have to do with family-friendly beverages? It depends on who you ask. (It's worth noting that people who rap about murder almost categorically also rap about which beverages they enjoy.)

Despite some similarities between ICP and Faygo—both are more popular with children than adults and healthiest in small doses—the perpetually potty-mouthed ICP is more passionate about fostering a connection between the brands than Faygo.

Matthew Rosenthal, head of marketing for Faygo, was diplomatic when speaking to the New York Times about the rappers’ enthusiasm for his company’s modestly-priced soda.

“We wish them the best,” Rosenthal told the Times. Citing ICP’s choice lyrical decisions, Rosenthal put it mildly:  “They’re not at all mainline kind of guys.”

ICP, on the other hand, would welcome a branded Posse beverage from Faygo. “We wish they would do a limited-edition Faygo pop run with us,” said  ICP member Violent J in an interview with Detroit’s Metro Times.

In an act befitting his moniker, Violent J threw an open bottle of Faygo (flavor unknown) into the writhing mass of Juggalos (devoted ICP fans) at a concert years ago. Evidently, sugar-water missiles and hip hop enthusiasts in clown face... completed each other. The rest is history. ICP continues to enthusiastically use and mention Faygo at every opportunity, and Faygo continues to smile and shuffle away.

Take your best shotz, or a cheaper locally-available alternative...

Life Shotz is not just a product. Life Shotz is a "tribe," and the expression of a "vision." It is a manifesto, made manifest. Because simply selling a "health" product without an elaborate psuedo-New Age tiered-marketing organization attached isn't selling a product at all. 

Make no mistake— Life Shotz is here to make a difference in your life. Because, as the company's website explains, "That's just what an insanely potent powder should do." 

Life Shotz, a blend of amino acids, B vitamins, and fruit powder, is about $3.50 a shot. Low cost alternatives, sans cultish marketing engine, shipping, or handling, are available at your local Foods For Living. You know who is not available at your local Foods For Living? Ken Shamrock, mixed martial arts athlete and former pro wrestler. 

Shamrock, a UFC hall of famer and MMA legend, was given some Life Shotz by a company rep at a wrestling camp. After taking them, "The World's Most Dangerous Man" was impressed enough to do a camera phone endorsement then and there, without pay or vested interest. Life Shotz has embraced the opportunity, and highly publicizes Shamrock's endorsement on their website. It is unknown whether Shamrock continues to enjoy Life Shotz in his capacity as a recent addition to 50 Cent's guard detail. (As a side note, having Ken Shamrock as a personal bodyguard reminds me of when David Bowie insisted on getting Stevie Ray Vaughn to play guitar on "Let's Dance." As if no other super-competent guitarist would do.) 

Blessing or curse, I look forward to the day when a controversial speed skater says that Foods For Living is her favorite place to get organic produce, or a divisive folk singer trumpets the praises of the deli's vegan chocolate bars. Until then, we'll have to settle for the endorsements of local community pillars, nutritionists, the press, and those U2 roadies who came through for Bono's bottled water in 2013.